How to do it
by Pimpernelunderthecelticmoon
Summary: Have u ever wanted to kill Raoul? Erik does, infact he is...So why is it taking him more than 1 chapter? Chapter 3 is up! Can Nadir help?
1. How to do it!

How to do it

Disclaimer: I do not own The Phantom of the Opera; does any of u understand Disclaimer? Because I don't, like I'd ever be Gaston Leroux, I'm not that dim, HE GAMBLED AWAY A MILLION FRANKS! Sorry I mean, I've only know like 1 guy named Frank, and he was an idiot, But how do u gamble away people? To all people named Frank, stay away from Phans who think they're Gaston Learoux.

The phantom rubbed his hands together, all was going splendidly. Christine was tied in a chair, with a gag. Sorry Christine. And Raoul was about to be exterminated. "You do see the beauty of this Christine don't you?" Erik asked, Christine squirmed, "After all, I did give you a choice, and I'm merely showing mercy. You see? I was going to fry Raoul in a pot of oil, but you stopped me! So I must think of something much more horrible, like alligators or something." Raoul who was rapped like a mummy in duck tape, all except the mouth cried out, "I say Erik, why don't you let me go, and we'll call it square." Erik smiled an evil smile, he loved being frightening, and Raoul was a cry baby, so he could scare him easily. "Shut up you fool! Then I suppose I let the girl go too? And you both live happily ever after, while I live in this rat infested lair." Raoul thought a moment.

"Well that was the general idea, though when Christine said it, it sounded so much more…noble." Erik made a look that was mock sympathy.

"Steal her away, at the brink of destruction, and get married, while I go while I go to the nuthouse right?" Raoul made a face like triumph,

"No! I would save her, then there would be a parade, and then you would go to the nuthouse!" Erik chuckled,

"Oh yes, big difference." Raoul growled. Christine squirmed, and tried to spit the gag out.

"Oh, I'm so sorry my dear," Erik said, "Are we leaving you out of the conversation?" He leaned forward and yanked the gag out. "For heaven's sake Erik!" She cried, "What are you doing this for?" Erik tapped his fingers thoughtfully.

"Blood, gore, revenge. All that jazz." Christine screamed a dramatic NOOOOOO.

"Oh, come on." Said Erik, "Save the drama for the real death!" Christine sighed. "Believe it or not Christy I have no idea how to kill your wittle friend here, so…I know!" Erik pulled a cell phone out of his pocket, he dialed a number, and put the phone up to his ear, "It's ringing!" he said, Christine didn't say anything, Raoul squirmed, "Hi, Pimpernel? Yeah…I know…Can't you forget about that?-no…Okay, whatever…Listen, I need some ideas, I have no idea how to kill Raoul!-no….I already thought of that…Ohh, that's a good idea…Uhuh, okay…bye." Erik pushed a little red button, "She's gonna ask people on Fan fiction." Christine gasped….

Okay, if any of u reviews would like to kill 'ol Raoul, than say how u would like to do it in your review, and the most gruesome wins!


	2. Let's do it!

Actually Doing It

I do own this.

Ring, ring, "Oh, Christine! That must be Pimpernel, time to kiss your…err…Say good bye to your little fop." Erik picked up the phone, "Hey, Uhuh…umm, yeah, wait a sec I'm gonna put you on speaker phone." Erik pushed a button on his cell, and my lovely voice echoed through the lair, "Okay here are your choices:

**Lahz: **Dun, Dun, Dun, I think you should boil Raoul in tar, and then cover him in feathers. Then, have him stretched out, and tickled till he can't breathe. Then have him drawn and quartered.

"Eww," Christine said, Raoul squirmed, Erik grinned, I continued:

**Nixieharpist:** Raoul should get stuck in a tight space with 10 armed Phans.

"Awww," Erik said with a delighted sigh, "My fans, the sweet little things,"

**Maidenhair: **You should read out loud to him, and he could die of brain combustion because he's too stupid to understand.

"I am not!" Raoul protested,

"Hmmm," Erik said, "This is too boring, who knows how long I'd have to read!"

**Mizamour:** There's no death better than being stomped on by, Ghostbusters's stay-puft Marshmallow man.

"Who's that?" Christine asked,

"I don't know," Erik said, "But he sounds terrifying."

**Son Kat: **First he gets ran over by a donkey. Named Earl. Then Earl's tamer should smack him around a bit. Then finally they should put him in a shredding machine.

Son Kat: We regret to inform you that your fiancé is dead. We are sorry for your loss.

Christine: NO! My poor Erik!

Son Kat: Oh...er...no...The other one Raoul

Christine: Oh, him…May I poke him?

Son Kat: Sure!

And then we look for his brain, to donate it, but it would be nonexistent.

"Christine?" Raoul said, "Would you really do that?" Christine blushed…

**xAdenX:** Ok...  
First, you should hang him by his ears from a tree. Then throw rabid weasels at him, and while they gnaw off his face, arms, etc, Erik can beat him with a stick...a flaming stick...and then they can cut him down from the tree and get the big elephant from Hannibal to run over him...then blow a air horn in his ear...and finally...throw him in a river...full of Piranhas (or however you spell it.)

"I wonder if the Seine has Piranhas?" Erik thought to himself, "Or, the lake! That would be convenient!"

**Tay-kun: **People in the middle ages had the right idea: The Rack! Another variation is: Attach a rope so each limb (the arms and legs, not head or anything else), then fasten each rope to a horse. Have four men whip each horse at the exact same time. You can guess what happens.

"Hmmm, Good idea, but I only have one horse, Ceaser. Christy darling! Do you have a horse?"

"A pony named Poppy?"

Erik shrugged, "Ah, guess that'd work, we'd just need 2 more."

"But you don't understand!" Christine yelled, "Poppy is a miniature pony!"

Erik slapped himself in the face.

**Lady Assassin Moonbeam: **I say that Erik should skin Raoul just enough so that it hurts like hell, but he's still alive. Then start taking out in less important internal organs, and let him bleed to death.

"She swore!" Raoul yelled, "That's evil!"

Erik leered, "Only is you don't know how to do is properly!"

**Weird Kitty Foxglove: **I think Raoul should die peacefully at age eighty-something, surrounded by his and Christine's children and grandchildren

"I have fans!" Raoul screamed gleefully.

"That is so wrong." Erik retorted, sounded an awful lot like a teenage girl.

"That's all I've got Erik! That's nine." I said.

"So many to choose from!" Erik thought rubbing his hands together, "Oh, this is awful, I…I…" Erik screamed, "CHRISTINE! YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL I AM AT MAKING CHOICES!" Erik bit his finger nails,

"Um-Erik?" I said through the phone, "I Gotta go, Mom doesn't know I'm on the phone with a psychotic from the 18th century." I hung up. Erik meanwhile dialed another number.

"Nadir, I need your help, be at the lair in 5 minutes…What lair? My lair you idiot!"


	3. Nadir

**Nadir Shows up**

Disclaimer: This is a disclaimer, so I disclaim. 

The Siren started to ring, I mean _sing._ "Darn it, I need to fix that thing," Erik said as he stocked over to the door, "Nadir, Where the heck…oh." Standing at the door was a lady, "Hi, I'm Katie Kerrik; I'm here to interview…"

"Get away from me!" Erik screamed in horror and slammed the door. He leaned against the door breathing heavily, "Can't those idiots give me a moment's peace! Aysha!" he screamed, a darling little kitty came up to him, and began to purr against his legs, "Go drown her." The cat saluted and was off. "Phew," Erik wiped his brow.

"You're really going to drown her Erik?" Christine said uncomfortably,

"No, of course not dear, Aysha will do it all."

"Oh, how kind,"

"Indeed," Erik replied filling his nails, "I say, fop, you have been quiet for a long time."

Raoul sobbed, "I don't wanna die!"  
"Wanna, is not in my vocabulary Viscount, so I suggest you remain quiet, unless you wish to test the wrath of Buffy the Vocab Wizard."

"Who's that?" Christine asked, rather curious,

"Buffy? That's my Ferret, Buffy and I have been through a lot together…" Erik looked dreamily into space, Christine and Raoul felt a little embarrassed.

_Sing Sing, SCREEEEEEEECH! _

The 'Siren' sang out, "Ah, Nadir," Erik opened the door to see Nadir holding a very sassy Aysha. "Hi Erik, can you relive me of your demon!"

"Aysha!" Erik cried taking the cat into his emaciated arms, "Oh, how's my fluff butt now, noogie, you're so cute and tender and cuddling!"

"Leave off it, Psycho!" Aysha said in a very girly girl teen way, "You're like messing my fur."

"Sorry Bobolink."

Aysha rolled her eyes, "Like Whatever." She jumped out of Erik's arms and strutted over to the kitchen were a bowl of gourmet Cat Chow, awaited her, in a silver dish by the way.

"Okay, what's your prob…Erik what are you doing!" Nadir yelled running over to where Christine and Raoul were tied, "You didn't! You couldn't! You promised!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Erik said trying to act nonchalant about the whole matter, Nadir gave him a look, and "It was Christine fault!" Erik raved, "I tried to stop her! But noooooo, she had to come sneaking down into MY lair telling me how cool I was, how totally adorable, and how much she hated Raoul, BUT then Raoul came so very UN heroically to rescue her, and as soon as she saw Raoul, 'Oh Raoul, save me from this monster, I love you Raoul, I like…'"

"Okay, okay, enough of your chatter!" Nadir said, "I get the picture,"

"So I had to! I had to!"   
"Knock it off! So! What the heck is your problem?"

"I'm going to kill Raoul."

TBC


End file.
